This is just a thought that I haven't looked into and am not claiming to be absolute truth. It's just a thought I've had while reading and reflecting on all the people I've known. In Galatians 3 it talks about how there is no longer male and female in Christ, as in each have a soul and are on equal turf through Jesus. For the people I've known that have such issues with the passages talking about wives being submissive to their husbands, it's not a matter of not being equal. The way I've begun to see it is that the husband is an example of God the Father - righteously leading, and the wife is an example of Jesus the Son - submissive as Christ submitted to the Father even through torture and death. It's not about a power battle, it's about knowing God through the relationships we have. A husband and wife are also compared to Jesus and the church. There is one who leads and one who submits. I've seen so many have such an issue with submission, and it's caused several people I know to be angry. It's also given some guys I know a sense of entitlement that they take beyond the point of real righteousness. The life most of us know is so much about status, but does God truly care?
In my opinion, God is more interested in you. He's interested in your past, present and future. He's interested in that event in your life - the one that caused you more pain than you thought possible - that event that changed your life and broke you. The beauty of knowing God is the chance to be submissive, as Christ was. The beauty of God is knowing that you can be completely vulnerable and He will lead you to the light and to freedom. For a long time I've wondered why people are so afraid to be vulnerable and to really spend intimate time with God asking Him how they can be more like Him. The answer I've come to is this: We're afraid. We're afraid of that pain and we're ashamed of being broken. This country has come to a point where status is everything, and few things speak more of you than your accomplishments and the thing we call 'success.' I'm not speaking to everyone that is reading this message because I know some people really get it. But I think it's healthy once in a while to stop and ask yourself: What am I afraid of? What hurts even when I deal with it time and time again? What has broken me?
It's time to stop hiding and to stop making excuses for yourself and it's time to stop living in the dark. Ignorance may be bliss, but it's only because the ignorant don't understand the power and joy of Truth. What is it you are afraid to face?
This verse really convicted me: "Are you so foolish? Having started with the Spirit, are you now ending with the flesh? Did you experience so much for nothing..." Galatians 3:3-4
"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18 This is the motivation behind my blog. I'm learning so much and desire to give others the chance to see what I'm learning so that they might learn too. This is my opportunity to love others by sharing the knowledge God has blessed me with. But all glory goes to Him!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Just like my mom
So I've finished Andy Stanley's sermon series "The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating" and I want to encourage every single single person that reads this blog to go listen to it. And by single, I mean anyone who isn't married. It really opened my eyes to a lot of "me" issues I have, and I think everyone could benefit in some way from hearing this.
God really is funny sometimes. It's amusing to me that I grew up observing my mom watching Charles Stanley on TV all the time, and now that I'm older I constantly enjoy watching and listening to Andy. I guess the Johnson's have a thing for the Stanley's, lol.
God really is funny sometimes. It's amusing to me that I grew up observing my mom watching Charles Stanley on TV all the time, and now that I'm older I constantly enjoy watching and listening to Andy. I guess the Johnson's have a thing for the Stanley's, lol.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Porcelain Heart
"Creator, only you take brokenness and create it into Beauty once again."
- 'Porcelain Heart' by BarlowGirl
A lot has gone on in the past few weeks within myself. I'm sure I could write for days (as I have been in my journal) about all the stuff that I've heard for years in the 'christian world' that is finally making sense. There are several things I want to talk about, but somewhat unfortunately my desire to read and study is more pressing than my desire to blog about it. Something I do want to blog about is my heart.
When I was about five years old, I found the man of my dreams. He was cute, funny, from a Christian family, nice, and all that a girl could want in a fellow Kindergartener. I'm pretty sure I even remember telling my mom that I was going to marry him one day. I'm not sure whether you're thinking that is cute or disturbing, but I look at it and think that was my heart. From the time I was 5 years old until 6 days ago, my heart idolized marriage. That seems almost ludicrous to write out, but it's true. I remember feeling something tug at the strings of my heart when I would watch the Beast transform into a handsome prince and look at Belle will eyes full of love. I remember my little heart melting when Lady and the Tramp met at the middle of that spaghetti noodle. I remember a whole lot of diary entries all throughout elementary, middle, and high school talking about how much I loved 'so-and-so'... there were about 5 of them... and how if this guy would only just notice me as something more, we were bound to work forever. It was all because I loved them, because I had so much love for them that marriage just had to be in our future. I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me then that if it didn't work with the first 2 or 3, why should it work with the last 2 or 3? I'm pretty sure I was using age to explain away that part of my idolatry: the older I got, the more practical marriage seemed since a 15 year old is definitely closer to marriage than a 10 year old, and a 20 year old, is MOST definitely closer to marriage than a 15 year old.
And it's not like it stopped with high school either... I was that girl that came to college to get her "MRS" degree. I figured it'd be pretty cool if I got a real degree in addition, but I came to college to get hitched. Looking back now, I realized that for years and years and years, I've broken my heart too many times to count. I can't blame a single guy that didn't show interest and I can't blame myself for not being attractive or good enough- my heart was broken because I was ignorant and because all that time, seeking God was not at the top of my priority list. I am thankful to say that I haven't left behind a long trail of boyfriends that have suffered through bad relationships because of my sin, but having just one go through it hurts me enough as it is. I tell you all of this background information to illustrate where I've come from so that you can better understand where I'm going.
In my mind I also pictured a man that would absolutely sweep my off my feet and adore me. I was so focused on him not being there that I missed out on the man that was there... Jesus. This isn't to say I've been completely ignorant of God in my life - I've turned to Him many times when I was feeling broken and depressed, and on some occasions suicidal. I learned valuable lessons in forgiveness, patience, purity, understanding, prayer, having a genuine heart, worship, and caring for others regardless of who they are or what they do. Those lessons still stick with me today and are a testament of what God has done in a life that was never even fully committed to Him. In my blind eyes I was committed, but now God has shed the scales that have kept me from seeing what should have been so obvious: my life was constantly centered around finding Mr. Right.
This process of revealing the truth has taken a few months of dedication to reading the Bible cover to cover and reading lots of Christian literature and listening to sermon podcasts and taking a step back and trying to stop destructive habits. This summer, so far, has been such a summer of success! Right now I've just recently finished reading 1st Samuel (my plan is taking me through the Bible in chronological order based on when the events actually happened). Up to this point, I've realized that a lot of the Old Testament is about idolatry. It comes in all different shapes and forms. I've heard many people say pride and selfishness are the root of a lot of our problems concerning connectedness with God. To take that a step further, I think everyone needs to ask themselves what their primary form of idolatry is. It can be a variety of things, some more obvious than others. It's not like I was having sex all the time or going on dates left and right (by the grace of God, I've only had one relationship ever), but I was making something in my life bigger than God. For years I saw the symptoms, but never the root of the problem. I saw how depressed I was (enough to lose 8 lbs in few days from not eating during a difficult week, and staring down at a hand-full of pills a couple of other times), I saw what bad self-image I had (it's always been "if I were skinnier," and "if I just had an athletic body or smaller frame"), I saw how difficult it was for me to maintain friendships with guys (because every guy I met was typically a "potential"), and I felt so alienated from some of my girl friends (they either had boyfriends, or they seemed to somehow be completely happy with their life for other various reasons- which blew my mind). There was a constant loneliness that visited me every night as I lay down to go to sleep. Even when I was in a relationship, I felt security now and then, but I realized relationships aren't the perfect things I had always imagined them to be.
Everyone has symptoms and it usually doesn't take them long to find them. My encouragement to everyone else is to look at those symptoms and begin a journey to find their root. Romans 12:1&2 say, "Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will." These verses have come to mean SO much to me these past few weeks. My reading list this past semester has included "Captivating" by John and Stacy Eldredge, "Radical" by David Platt, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge, "The Next Christians" by Gabe Lyons, and currently "Living on the Edge" by Chip Ingram. Through this excellent compilation of literature, in addition to reading the Bible daily (except those times when I did get distracted, because I'm FAR from perfect), I've come to realize that the most important thing I can do in my life is to seek God. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." This hasn't made real sense until recently. Now I realize that answers in life and my personal growth and the things I desire and wish for in my heart of hearts are all to be found as I kneel at God's feet in submission to Him. Reading my Bible is no longer a task that will make me a better Christian, it is my way to discover exactly what God is asking of me in my life in a day to day aspect. Praying to God is no longer this awkward discussion where sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself, or other times I just feel guilty thinking I should be doing something different. Prayer is now my way to speak to God to thank Him for what He's taught me and to ask Him for more wisdom and insight about how I'm living my life. This may sound redundant or confusing, but it's like I was living my life as a Christian and watching life pass me by with foggy binoculars. I was zoning in on the symptoms of my idolatry and constantly asking God, "WHY?!" and not searching for an answer. I was trying to listen to His answer without actually seeking answers in His Word. I could only see my dissatisfaction and tried to console myself with the age-old thought that I should be joyful in all situations because it's the will of God. What I didn't realize was that living my life blindly wasn't the will of God. He wills me to see my life with clarity and honesty. Now I finally think I know how and why I should seek that clarity. I've never studied my Bible and asked myself questions like this. It's really exciting for me :)
Discovering my idolatry was only one step of many. From that I've been taking Romans 12:1&2 seriously and I've been trying to transform the way I think by watching my diet of media. For example, I've stopped watching The Vampire Diaries. Laugh, go ahead- I was sort of obsessed with that show because Boone from Lost was on it, and for those who knew me in high school - well, they understand. In asking God what I needed to change in my life, I realized that I was spending more time watching reruns of TVD then I was spending time with God. Not only that, but I wanted to devote more time to TVD because it had plenty of love and lust and destiny and pretending like romantic relationships are basically the center of our lives. I realized quickly that that is not what the Bible was teaching me about love, and that if I wanted to change, I had to stop risking TV shows and movies that feed me the thought that my life is about finding a human 'true love.' I can't control what my friends say, so that's something I'm still learning about, as far as solutions are concerned. However I am trying much harder to keep myself from saying negative things (my poor self-image has led to years of gossiping about others to make me feel better and more superior about myself).
Usually these posts are filled with a lot more scripture, but in this case I think just telling you what God is doing in my life is more sufficient. These past few weeks I've found a gold-mine of scripture that my journal is now full of for me to look back at and reflect on. I want to encourage you, whoever you are, to start reading your Bible and other Christian authors so that God can reveal to you personally words of encouragement. That's pretty much what my Bible is now. It's no longer a book I should read to be a good person or to read a storybook about Jewish history. Now it's a love story and a book of instruction and a tool that my God uses to speak to me. Sometimes the things written on the page seem so sincere, and meant for me personally because they apply directly to my life at that moment. There is no doubt in my mind that, "all Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," (2 Timothy 3:16) and that, "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God," (John 1:1). I know not all of my friends will agree on this with me, but I truly believe in my heart that the Bible is alive and it's the way God most often speaks to those of us who use it. I say this purely from personal experience and realizing that I've never known so many answers or seen myself as accurately as I do now because I've never sought God through the Word of God. Now I'm going somewhere and I have more clear instruction on how to do that.
So now to where I'm going. I've been watching Andy Stanley's "Love, Sex, & Dating" series online and in it he asks everyone to "become the person that you are looking for is looking for." Haha, good ol' Andy literally thought out something confusing to please the people that claim he's not deep (what a silly thing to be upset about...). The next year I am officially taking a BREAK from DATING. Whoa. Sarah Johnson just said that. Even though a lot of people haven't known my heart because God hasn't provided multiple boyfriends in my life, dating is what I spent the majority of my time thinking about. This next year is all about discovering me- the girl that God made to be so much more than she imagined. The girl that wants to prepare her heart for the future plans God has for her. I'm compiling a list of all the things I desire in a husband, and the next year I'm going to focus on being that (except the strong and handsome thing... I'm okay with not being physically strong or handsome... haha). I'm going to become the person that I'm looking for is looking for, and much more than that: I'm going to become the girl that God has designed and desired me to be. Now that I've finally identified my biggest area of idolatry, I can submit that to God daily and spend time with Him to refine the woman he desires to see in me.
So what is it that you see in your life that causes you doubt, guilt, confusion, fear, sadness, or aloofness? I want to encourage you from the very depth of my heart to seek God through His Word and through other teachers and instructors and through encouraging music. I want to encourage you that there are insecurities in your life and an area of idolatry that God knows about and that He wants to rescue you from. Realizing what you've done always seems more scary and painful when you haven't taken the time to do it yet, but you will save yourself YEARS of pain if you will ask God now where your weaknesses are.
God created you, and so He is the best place to go for repair when you've broken your own heart. As final words of encouragement I will share three verses I found the other day that I am really encouraged by:
"I will thank you forever, because of what you have done. In the presence of the faithful I will proclaim your name, for it is good." Psalm 52:9
"For you have delivered my soul from death, and my feet from falling so that I may walk before God in the light of life." Psalm 56:13
"Look to Him and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed." Psalm 34:5
- 'Porcelain Heart' by BarlowGirl
A lot has gone on in the past few weeks within myself. I'm sure I could write for days (as I have been in my journal) about all the stuff that I've heard for years in the 'christian world' that is finally making sense. There are several things I want to talk about, but somewhat unfortunately my desire to read and study is more pressing than my desire to blog about it. Something I do want to blog about is my heart.
When I was about five years old, I found the man of my dreams. He was cute, funny, from a Christian family, nice, and all that a girl could want in a fellow Kindergartener. I'm pretty sure I even remember telling my mom that I was going to marry him one day. I'm not sure whether you're thinking that is cute or disturbing, but I look at it and think that was my heart. From the time I was 5 years old until 6 days ago, my heart idolized marriage. That seems almost ludicrous to write out, but it's true. I remember feeling something tug at the strings of my heart when I would watch the Beast transform into a handsome prince and look at Belle will eyes full of love. I remember my little heart melting when Lady and the Tramp met at the middle of that spaghetti noodle. I remember a whole lot of diary entries all throughout elementary, middle, and high school talking about how much I loved 'so-and-so'... there were about 5 of them... and how if this guy would only just notice me as something more, we were bound to work forever. It was all because I loved them, because I had so much love for them that marriage just had to be in our future. I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me then that if it didn't work with the first 2 or 3, why should it work with the last 2 or 3? I'm pretty sure I was using age to explain away that part of my idolatry: the older I got, the more practical marriage seemed since a 15 year old is definitely closer to marriage than a 10 year old, and a 20 year old, is MOST definitely closer to marriage than a 15 year old.
And it's not like it stopped with high school either... I was that girl that came to college to get her "MRS" degree. I figured it'd be pretty cool if I got a real degree in addition, but I came to college to get hitched. Looking back now, I realized that for years and years and years, I've broken my heart too many times to count. I can't blame a single guy that didn't show interest and I can't blame myself for not being attractive or good enough- my heart was broken because I was ignorant and because all that time, seeking God was not at the top of my priority list. I am thankful to say that I haven't left behind a long trail of boyfriends that have suffered through bad relationships because of my sin, but having just one go through it hurts me enough as it is. I tell you all of this background information to illustrate where I've come from so that you can better understand where I'm going.
In my mind I also pictured a man that would absolutely sweep my off my feet and adore me. I was so focused on him not being there that I missed out on the man that was there... Jesus. This isn't to say I've been completely ignorant of God in my life - I've turned to Him many times when I was feeling broken and depressed, and on some occasions suicidal. I learned valuable lessons in forgiveness, patience, purity, understanding, prayer, having a genuine heart, worship, and caring for others regardless of who they are or what they do. Those lessons still stick with me today and are a testament of what God has done in a life that was never even fully committed to Him. In my blind eyes I was committed, but now God has shed the scales that have kept me from seeing what should have been so obvious: my life was constantly centered around finding Mr. Right.
This process of revealing the truth has taken a few months of dedication to reading the Bible cover to cover and reading lots of Christian literature and listening to sermon podcasts and taking a step back and trying to stop destructive habits. This summer, so far, has been such a summer of success! Right now I've just recently finished reading 1st Samuel (my plan is taking me through the Bible in chronological order based on when the events actually happened). Up to this point, I've realized that a lot of the Old Testament is about idolatry. It comes in all different shapes and forms. I've heard many people say pride and selfishness are the root of a lot of our problems concerning connectedness with God. To take that a step further, I think everyone needs to ask themselves what their primary form of idolatry is. It can be a variety of things, some more obvious than others. It's not like I was having sex all the time or going on dates left and right (by the grace of God, I've only had one relationship ever), but I was making something in my life bigger than God. For years I saw the symptoms, but never the root of the problem. I saw how depressed I was (enough to lose 8 lbs in few days from not eating during a difficult week, and staring down at a hand-full of pills a couple of other times), I saw what bad self-image I had (it's always been "if I were skinnier," and "if I just had an athletic body or smaller frame"), I saw how difficult it was for me to maintain friendships with guys (because every guy I met was typically a "potential"), and I felt so alienated from some of my girl friends (they either had boyfriends, or they seemed to somehow be completely happy with their life for other various reasons- which blew my mind). There was a constant loneliness that visited me every night as I lay down to go to sleep. Even when I was in a relationship, I felt security now and then, but I realized relationships aren't the perfect things I had always imagined them to be.
Everyone has symptoms and it usually doesn't take them long to find them. My encouragement to everyone else is to look at those symptoms and begin a journey to find their root. Romans 12:1&2 say, "Therefore I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices- holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will." These verses have come to mean SO much to me these past few weeks. My reading list this past semester has included "Captivating" by John and Stacy Eldredge, "Radical" by David Platt, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge, "The Next Christians" by Gabe Lyons, and currently "Living on the Edge" by Chip Ingram. Through this excellent compilation of literature, in addition to reading the Bible daily (except those times when I did get distracted, because I'm FAR from perfect), I've come to realize that the most important thing I can do in my life is to seek God. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." This hasn't made real sense until recently. Now I realize that answers in life and my personal growth and the things I desire and wish for in my heart of hearts are all to be found as I kneel at God's feet in submission to Him. Reading my Bible is no longer a task that will make me a better Christian, it is my way to discover exactly what God is asking of me in my life in a day to day aspect. Praying to God is no longer this awkward discussion where sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself, or other times I just feel guilty thinking I should be doing something different. Prayer is now my way to speak to God to thank Him for what He's taught me and to ask Him for more wisdom and insight about how I'm living my life. This may sound redundant or confusing, but it's like I was living my life as a Christian and watching life pass me by with foggy binoculars. I was zoning in on the symptoms of my idolatry and constantly asking God, "WHY?!" and not searching for an answer. I was trying to listen to His answer without actually seeking answers in His Word. I could only see my dissatisfaction and tried to console myself with the age-old thought that I should be joyful in all situations because it's the will of God. What I didn't realize was that living my life blindly wasn't the will of God. He wills me to see my life with clarity and honesty. Now I finally think I know how and why I should seek that clarity. I've never studied my Bible and asked myself questions like this. It's really exciting for me :)
Discovering my idolatry was only one step of many. From that I've been taking Romans 12:1&2 seriously and I've been trying to transform the way I think by watching my diet of media. For example, I've stopped watching The Vampire Diaries. Laugh, go ahead- I was sort of obsessed with that show because Boone from Lost was on it, and for those who knew me in high school - well, they understand. In asking God what I needed to change in my life, I realized that I was spending more time watching reruns of TVD then I was spending time with God. Not only that, but I wanted to devote more time to TVD because it had plenty of love and lust and destiny and pretending like romantic relationships are basically the center of our lives. I realized quickly that that is not what the Bible was teaching me about love, and that if I wanted to change, I had to stop risking TV shows and movies that feed me the thought that my life is about finding a human 'true love.' I can't control what my friends say, so that's something I'm still learning about, as far as solutions are concerned. However I am trying much harder to keep myself from saying negative things (my poor self-image has led to years of gossiping about others to make me feel better and more superior about myself).
Usually these posts are filled with a lot more scripture, but in this case I think just telling you what God is doing in my life is more sufficient. These past few weeks I've found a gold-mine of scripture that my journal is now full of for me to look back at and reflect on. I want to encourage you, whoever you are, to start reading your Bible and other Christian authors so that God can reveal to you personally words of encouragement. That's pretty much what my Bible is now. It's no longer a book I should read to be a good person or to read a storybook about Jewish history. Now it's a love story and a book of instruction and a tool that my God uses to speak to me. Sometimes the things written on the page seem so sincere, and meant for me personally because they apply directly to my life at that moment. There is no doubt in my mind that, "all Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," (2 Timothy 3:16) and that, "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God," (John 1:1). I know not all of my friends will agree on this with me, but I truly believe in my heart that the Bible is alive and it's the way God most often speaks to those of us who use it. I say this purely from personal experience and realizing that I've never known so many answers or seen myself as accurately as I do now because I've never sought God through the Word of God. Now I'm going somewhere and I have more clear instruction on how to do that.
So now to where I'm going. I've been watching Andy Stanley's "Love, Sex, & Dating" series online and in it he asks everyone to "become the person that you are looking for is looking for." Haha, good ol' Andy literally thought out something confusing to please the people that claim he's not deep (what a silly thing to be upset about...). The next year I am officially taking a BREAK from DATING. Whoa. Sarah Johnson just said that. Even though a lot of people haven't known my heart because God hasn't provided multiple boyfriends in my life, dating is what I spent the majority of my time thinking about. This next year is all about discovering me- the girl that God made to be so much more than she imagined. The girl that wants to prepare her heart for the future plans God has for her. I'm compiling a list of all the things I desire in a husband, and the next year I'm going to focus on being that (except the strong and handsome thing... I'm okay with not being physically strong or handsome... haha). I'm going to become the person that I'm looking for is looking for, and much more than that: I'm going to become the girl that God has designed and desired me to be. Now that I've finally identified my biggest area of idolatry, I can submit that to God daily and spend time with Him to refine the woman he desires to see in me.
So what is it that you see in your life that causes you doubt, guilt, confusion, fear, sadness, or aloofness? I want to encourage you from the very depth of my heart to seek God through His Word and through other teachers and instructors and through encouraging music. I want to encourage you that there are insecurities in your life and an area of idolatry that God knows about and that He wants to rescue you from. Realizing what you've done always seems more scary and painful when you haven't taken the time to do it yet, but you will save yourself YEARS of pain if you will ask God now where your weaknesses are.
God created you, and so He is the best place to go for repair when you've broken your own heart. As final words of encouragement I will share three verses I found the other day that I am really encouraged by:
"I will thank you forever, because of what you have done. In the presence of the faithful I will proclaim your name, for it is good." Psalm 52:9
"For you have delivered my soul from death, and my feet from falling so that I may walk before God in the light of life." Psalm 56:13
"Look to Him and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed." Psalm 34:5
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