Defining Moments.
I've had a lot of them. I remember very clearly a lot of them. In all honesty they found me at the darkest moments in my life.
Dark Moments.
Growing up in church, there seems to be so much niceness and innocence. Sometimes it comes off as completely genuine and authentic and there is no doubt of the love in someone's eyes and voice. Other times it seems like such a plastic, plastered-on niceness with a hint of fear. A fear of judgment, a fear of people being able to see past the perfect exterior into the area of fault in your life. These two forms of niceness have been two of the most confusing things I've ever had to deal with in the church.
My past isn't a nice, bubbly tale about the perfect family, the biggest abundance of material blessings, and it isn't about unending happiness. It is difficult for me to value my defining moments, my dark moments, because I feel like I've done this whole 'Christian' thing wrong.
Where do the people with dark pasts go when there's a pressure to be so innocent? Is it my age or my gender that makes it so difficult to believe I could know so much about hatred, violence, and pure, unforgiving rage?
It's not that I can't understand joy or freedom or love. It was those defining moments that taught me about such things. I know my side of my relationship with God and I know I'm growing because I see it within myself, as do my closest few friends, but how do you let others see who you are? I've heard so often about the value of both honesty and vulnerability. I love the opportunities that I have to be honest about my past, but when your past scares other people what are you supposed to do? The point of someone's testimony is to show the true, raw power of God. It is a power of transformation, a power that should dismiss all fear because His Love has driven it from that person's life. I do not fear my past. Without it, I would not be the same daughter of God that I am now.
How do you teach others not to fear?
Teach them Love. Teach them to Love. I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but I think it's time for more darkness to exit out of Suburbia America. Not for the sake of darkness, but for the sake of showing the power of the light. I know I relate so much to Lord of the Rings, but I think about the ranks of Sauron marching up to the walls of Minas Tirith and an orc chieftain saying, "Fear. The city is rank with it."
Behind the walls of wealth and luxury there is obviously something amiss if loneliness is one of our nation's biggest problems. I see fear here and there, but we seem to be very good at hiding it. If we hide fear, how can we let Love drive it out?
This isn't a post about accusation or about saying there isn't hope. It's a post about reflection and realization. Are you genuine and authentic? Do you fear other people? I've observed that many people in my past have feared other people, instead of true Evil. I understand the importance of choosing your close friends wisely, but that doesn't excuse anyone from getting to know all types of people. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18
We shouldn't fear people and we shouldn't fear their pasts. We should love them, with a Love unlike what's preached to us in our culture. No one is perfect, and I know I can't be the only one that is so weary of pretending.
Darkness creeps upon my sill,
Patiently it waits to be let in.
The night is deep and time is still,
Tempting, impregnating my every thought.
Years of grief are shed in a tear,
And You lift your finger to my cheek.
I feel You and I know you're here,
To save me from this brokeness.
Time after time and time again,
You come to me as I'm in desperate need.
Like a faithful and most loyal friend,
You walk with me through the darkest nights,
And lead me to your Realm of Light.
I love the post! I always think of choosing friends wisely to mean you have to pick ones that aren't going to pull you away from God. That doesn't mean they have to be perfect (obviously), but it's more of a knowing what we can handle. For instance, I've had people that I know I'm worse of a person around, and for my own sake, I have to put some distance. But if I can still continue to grow in my faith regardless of what someone may doing, or perhaps because of what they are doing and how we affect each other, it is a good friendship.
ReplyDeleteAlso, love how you mentioned we shouldn't fear people's pasts! So true!