It's easier just to post this here instead of sending a bunch of emails, so.... Hello! I thought it's high time I update you on what's gone on with me this past February!
When I got back from my orientation in Botswana, the first thing that I was allowed to do was shower, unpack, and relax! PRAISE THE LORD! Orientation wasn't easy and it was sooo nice to have a bed that I could call my own! The next day was another pretty easy day and I got to experience grocery shopping. It's actually very similar to going to Wal-Mart in America, except there are different brand names (and unfortunately no velveta cheese) and the Pick 'N Pay is located in the middle of a shopping mall! It's actually really nice being able to have a food court, grocery store, and all kinds of other nice stores in the same place. Overall, life here isn't too different from America. There's a McDonalds within walking distance of my flat (apartment), my flat's layout is very similar to one of my college dorms, and I spend a lot of my free time going to the movies or out to eat with the other single Americans here (and occasionally some of my new South African friends). So, leisure time is definitely enjoyable and fun here. :)
I love the work that I'm doing here! I'm so fortunate to have this opportunity to intern abroad! I've met just about everyone on the team now and have really enjoyed doing work for some of our clients. South Africa is such a diverse place and it's been really nice to meet so many different people!
Apart from work, I've had the opportunity to visit several ministries while I've been here. I've been to a boarding school for kids from poorer townships, I've been to a daycare in one of the very poor townships here, an orphanage for abandoned babies, and an orphanage for kids suffering from AIDS and other diseases, I've been to another township to prayer walk and play with kids, and I've been to the oriental district to prayer walk. Last Friday I went to a soup kitchen to serve homeless men. They've all been great places to see and next week we'll get to choose where we want to serve for the rest of the semester. Right now I'm thinking I'll go to the school. All of the kids are SO SWEET here! The kids at the school were especially fascinated with my extremely pale skin. They also could not understand how I was sunburned. They thought it was so odd that only a portion of my arm was red. I can't wait to become a regular at one of these ministries. :)
Each Sunday I've had the chance to visit a different church. So far I've been to six different churches, with two more left to visit. I loved the first one we visited and have already joined their praise team and play with them on Sunday nights. It's a lot of fun and the church there is veeery diverse. It's so cool to worship regularly with such a big mix of people :) The church itself is relatively small, and it's really more of a family atmosphere. Some of the adults I've met there are just amazing to get to know and they really have inspired me to dream & pray much bigger than I usually do. The pastor is great as well! His grandfather was sent to South Africa by Spurgeon to plant churches! It's definitely a close-knit group and my boss attends there as well.
Other fun things I've done is visit the Lion & Rhino park where lions brushed up against our car as they walked past us!!! That was probably the coolest experience here so far :) Pics are on Facebook if you haven't seen them yet. Also, I got to see my first Broadway play here (Phantom of the Opera) and it was amazing!! I definitely look forward to seeing something else on Broadway in the future. Sunday I also got to visit the "Top of Africa" and saw just how huge this city is!
That pretty much sums up my February. Right now I have a few prayer requests:
1. That I will be able to sleep better. It's different not having air conditioning here and so sleeping has been difficult. I also keep having sporadic nightmares, or just crazy dreams, so it's hard to stay well-rested, which in turn makes it harder to concentrate on my work throughout the day.
2. That God will open my ears to his instruction on a day-to-day basis. The faith of some of the people at my church, Lyndhurst, is just unbelievable and they are definitely prayer warriors. I'm really trying to depend on God as much as they do, and watching them has shown me how much I depend on my own means and strength in day-to-day activities.
3. Pray for future decisions. My boss has already asked me to start apply for a full-time position which would send me back here for 2+ years. That's a big commitment and I haven't heard any clear instructions from God on where He wants me next, so please pray for clarity and a peace of mind as I forge ahead and make decisions about the next leg of my life!
Many blessings,
Sarah Katherine
"Write down for the coming generation what the Lord has done, so that people not yet born will praise Him." Psalm 102:18 This is the motivation behind my blog. I'm learning so much and desire to give others the chance to see what I'm learning so that they might learn too. This is my opportunity to love others by sharing the knowledge God has blessed me with. But all glory goes to Him!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
My Radical Year
Perfection. Man, this word has followed me everywhere.
How can we define perfection if we are imperfect?
When our focus is to be perfect like Christ, we are running toward a goal we can't even define. It makes it easy for us to lose a sense of clear direction because we don't actually have a clear goal. In that case, our life is more about the goal of "doing." We want to do as Christ did and do the right thing.
What happens when we stop trying to "do" and we focus instead on "being"?
The only way for us to be Christ, instead of trying to be like him, is to rely on what He's given us - the Holy Spirit. How can we be Christ or even be like Christ without Christ's Spirit? If we change our goals and focus on just God, where can we go wrong? If our focus is God, then we should seek God more, spend more time with God more, depend on God, all with a clear focus - God. If our focus is being like God, the focus is more on ourselves and our capability to change.
We aren't capable of change.
Not in our own power. True change is the change from being selfish to being selfless. We naturally want to place ourselves at the center of our universe. Even people will low self-esteem often place themselves in the center, it's just in a negative light instead of a positive one. The only way for us to truly change is to focus on God, because when our hearts and minds are turned toward God, His glory will shine on us and radiate through us. We're supposed to be like mirrors - reflecting God's glory and allowing God to see Himself in us. We're not dogs or animals trying to learn new tricks, and we're not chameleons trying to make ourselves morph into God. The more we lose ourselves, the more God can show Himself through us. The more we let go of the things we believe define us - like personality traits, likes & dislikes, our own moral code - the more God can replace those things in us with His characteristics and His heart.
To quote Casting Crowns, "With eyes wide open to the differences - the god we want and the God who is. But could we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?"
I can't imagine living a better life than a life where most of my time is spent in prayer and seeking to know God. Last year I read "Radical" by David Platt and I made several commitments. I promised to join a church, I promised to fast from buying books, movies, and music for my own personal pleasure, I promised to read through the Bible in one year, I promised to spend a portion of my life in another context (meaning in a different culture and place), and I promised to pray for the nations every day. This year, through attempting to keep these commitments, I learned a lot about myself.
1) Promising to join a church…
I did not officially join a church this past year, but I've realized that there's so much more to standing before the church saying, "I'm joining this specific Body." My life is in a perpetual state of transition right now. I lived in Birmingham from February to August, in Huntsville from August to January, and now I'm in South Africa until June. It seemed a little weird officially joining a church. What HAS stuck out is how I'm called to consistently be a part of the Body of Christ. College was a time where I was pretty unplugged from any consistent form of fellowship with the Body. I went to a different church each year of college because of several reasons, but mainly it came down to sound doctrine. I don't think I realized how important sound doctrine was to my faith until I came to college and found a lot of places that were either technically preaching the Gospel by word, but not by action and attitude of heart, and then I found places that just weren't teaching the Word, or they twisted the Word to fit their purposes. At one place I even made some of the church leadership angry because I was questioning what they were teaching and they accused me of being afraid of God. Well, YEAH. Duh. I am afraid of God. He's the only thing in the universe that can condemn me. He's the most just and righteous entity/ being/ spirit in existence. Of course I'm afraid of leading people astray and I'm afraid of fitting his Word to match my lifestyle and my natural instinct. When they accused me of that, it was one of the biggest wake up calls of my experience at that church. That was the first church that really turned me off to the whole idea of church. I've been hurt by church people before - I don't think there's any possible way to avoid getting hurt by church people during your lifetime (considering there are quite a few unSaved churched people). Anyway, I can talk about that another time because it's a whole 'nother topic.
So, God really showed me that regardless of my past experiences or my present situations, I really have to be involved as a member of the Body of Christ, regardless also of what church service I attend. So, I did some things I typically would not have done had I not been listening to God's urging. This past summer I joined a discipleship group at the church I had attended since the previous Thanksgiving. I knew there probably wouldn't be any UAB people and I knew I probably wouldn't know anyone in it, which generally terrified me. I was not good around new people - I've been extremely shy. BUT, I joined nonetheless because I knew God wanted me with a group of believers I could be transparent with. Guess what? Those girls - SO not scary. They were awesome! =) I grew a lot last summer because it was one of the few times where I was completely open to whatever God wanted to me to here. I struggle with being stubborn and clinging onto past experiences, but this summer I took a leap of faith and I learned more about God and my own faith than I have in a loooong time. I regularly attended our college ministry stuff and even had legit fun in the process. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal at all, but you just don't understand how scary people are to me. In my mind, people (even people that you truly love as friends, family, or your significant other) hurt you. They cause sometimes unbearable pain. I've had a lot of moments in my life where I've questioned my own significance as a human being solely because I felt so unbelievably worthless to everyone I cared about. This summer, God just kind of broke up a lot of my expectations and told me that I've just had lots of experiences with people that don't have Him hidden in their heart. He showed me a group of still imperfect people, but people that truly sought God. I can't really describe how much it meant to me that Erica, Hannah, Emily Grace, Emily, Janna, Katherine, and all the other D-group girls were willing to be friends with me and love me as their Sister when they didn't even know me.
Studying at Shades this summer, along with 'interning' aka. editing videos for their media director, opened my eyes to all the suspicion and distrust and resentment I had built up against the church. It showed me that I have a place in the Church and a calling to really be a Sister within the Body of Christ. It also showed me the importance of finding a family that's for real about following Christ, a family that is following the call to make disciples, a family that focuses on humility before God, a family that prays passionately, a family that depends on the Spirit, and a family that pour over the Word and promises and teaching of Christ. I'm so done with the pleasing doctrine that ignores God's Word and promises comfort and riches during this life. That's not what this life is about. This life is a race and it's not supposed to be rainbows and butterflies all the time. It's supposed to be about giving God glory throughout absolutely everything. So, in conclusion - wherever I am and for however long, I'm going to be involved in the Body of Christ. In Huntsville I was blessed to help out with my home church's youth group and puppet team, and now I'm in a praise band and I'm hoping to somehow get involved with the youth group if possible.
2) Promising to fast…
So, books, movies, and music = pretty much what I draw energy from. People talk about introversion and extraversion and how you either draw energy from people or from time alone. Well, I don't really care if people are with me or not with me, so long as I have time to completely lose myself in the awesome imagination God's blessed me with. Listening to just one song can put me in a completely different world. I decided to fast from these things for several reasons.
A. I wanted to spend more time with people and less by myself. I decided before I started my fast that I would still go to the movie theater with people, but I wouldn't buy my own movies or go to the theater alone. This was a LOT more difficult than I anticipated. I eventually got used to it, but not buying music whenever I wanted it was SO HARD. The awesome thing that came from this is that it made me value the money God gives me to spend more, because I had more money to spend with friends. I spent more time doing fun stuff with other people and sharing/ experiencing life with others, more so than I had previously done. I also had less incentive to stay in my room. I also was able to spend more on other people, and I've realized that I really like being able to say, "Don't worry! I've got you covered!" when someone worries about not having enough money to spend time with me and other friends. I know Feb 22nd is coming up close and my initial response is to buy and download every episode of Doctor Who, but now I'm really questioning if that's how I want to spend my money when I can use my money to help others, give to others, or use it to allow me to spend time with others. Same thing with movies and books.
B. When it came to individual books I wanted to read or movies people told me to watch, I started asking if I could borrow stuff. I wasn't really expecting this, but it really showed me which of my friends really trust me and which ones don't. I can say that I definitely chose some really great best friends. =) I can also say this showed me who I need to pray for because they have problems trusting their close friends…. I know myself, and I take good care of my stuff, particularly if it's not mine and I'm borrowing something. If I ruined something of someone else's I would replace it. I know my own character, and this experience revealed to me that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt so easily when people don't trust me after YEARS of friendship. I can't change their hearts by being any different than I already am, with the exception of praying for that person more and more. So, yeah. Friends. Learned a lot about them this past year. (Quick blurb: I think my best friends found out how much I really love to read this past year, because I got a lot of books for Christmas, and it really was an excellent Christmas =) Thanks guys!)
My fast is almost over and I can buy stuff again. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now and see how my method/ thought processes of buying fun stuff has changed.
3) Promising to read the Bible….
This started out so much easier the first half of the year… partially because it seemed like I had more time to study the Word in college than I did in real life after graduation, partially because it took a while before I hit Jeremiah and Ezekiel (ijfoiwejflksaejfoawiefaowief -- my feelings on these two books). About a month ago I realized that I was going to only read the Old Testament in a year. Luckily, I had already read the New Testament all the way through before last year when I made this commitment, so I can at least say I've read the entire Bible by this Feb 22nd. Looking back, I wish I would've started reading my Bible regularly when I first became a Christian when I was 15. I can look back and see the incredible power of the Lord in my life, but I would bet that the transformation I've experienced would've gone a lot quicker had a remained faithful in consistently reading and studying His Word. This year has shown me how interested I really am in studying the Word. It's gone from more than I desire just to read, and a much stronger desire to truly understand. That's why Jeremiah and Ezekiel really hung me up - I just don't get them. I understand the importance of truly following God and I understand His righteousness more, but there's just a lot of fire and brimstone type stuff that is heavy and I just don't get all of it. So, yeah. When this year is up I'm going to focus more one taking my time in studying the Word, as opposed to reading through.
I'm really happy I decided to read through the bible though. I loved reading through Job because now I know that regardless of any hardship I face, I'm supposed to remain faithful to God and that my faithfulness will most certainly pay off even when it seems like there's no hope. It inspired me to hold closer to God during hard times. I also loved reading Isaiah. God is so good :) He is a great God of great promises. Isaiah made me fall more in love with God and reminded me that after this life long race, I get to spend the rest of eternity in joyous praise of true holiness =)
Reading through the OT taught me much more than I can share right here, but overall it showed me that God's Word isn't an option in my life. If I want to grow, I have to seek God, pray, look and listen for him anywhere and everywhere, and read His Word - a great tool that too often gets overlooked.
4) Promising to spend my life in another context…
Well… hello. I'm in South Africa right now! Even though I spend the majority of my day in an office at work, I'm still intentionally going out to find ministries to get involved in outside of work. In my mind, everything I do is about bringing glory to God's name and trying to urge people to join in His great work! I'm so excited to have this opportunity to serve Him in a different culture and in a different phase of life. Primarily my goal is to make disciples. One quote that motivates me is from Francis Chan's talk at Passion 2012: "Do you really believe that God commanded you to go and make disciples? … Do you read that and go, 'Alright, I'm gonna go start making some disciples.' You guys, we gotta start doing this. Man, we talk about human trafficking… the solution to human trafficking is making disciples. That's a solution. It's changing people's hearts because some of the people that you go to school with, some of them will be the victims of human trafficking and some of them will be the culprits of it."
If we spend our lives fighting bad things because we want to get rid of bad things, and all we do is try to oppose bad things through our own resources and abilities, we're never going to get rid of the problem. The problem is that people need their lives changed, and not enough of us that have had our lives changed are willing to go out and talk about how others can receive life change. That's not me anymore. God saved me. He changed my life. I'm not compassionate or forgiving by my own power. I'm not caring or loyal by my own power. I can't write or edit videos because I made myself good at those things. Everything I am is because of the power of God in my life. Everything I do needs to be about Him. My life is wrong if it's not all about Him. My life is without purpose if I'm not glorifying Him. I'm not sure where I'll be 2, 10 or 50 years down the road, but the one thing I hope is forever consistent in my life is that I will glorify God in everything and that my life is about sharing His work, and His goodness, and His solution to all problems. I can't dedicate my life to anything better than that.
5) Promising to pray for the nations every day…
This was the one thing that really tripped me up. The biggest thing this year of radical-ness taught me was that I'm not a radical prayer warrior, but I DESPERATELY need to be. This has been a particularly big thing the past few weeks here in South Africa. Despite all I've learned about God in the past year, people still scare me, I miss my friends like you wouldn't believe it, I still have to surrender my doubt to God whenever it shows up, and through reading the Word and listening to the things some of my friends say and do and believe, I realize that I am so small. I am SO small. I can't, through my power, save my friends or make them understand God. I can't save the world or take away people's problems by myself. I'm not in control, I'm not powerful, and I don't have tons of money or ideas to create a perfect life for anyone. BUT, I have God. I think that the world would be a radically different place if every person that claimed they followed Christ spent 1 hour on their knees in earnest, heartfelt prayer every day. I truly believe our planet would be a different place if we Christians did that.
I personally rely on myself far too often. I process things on my own, I think a lot and use my own reasoning. I don't fall down before God and ask for help or beg for the salvation of those I care about every day, and I know I should be. Don't get me wrong - I have cried out to God for a lot of people that I love and even people that I don't even know. I'm just not consistent with it because I get so distracted. I've spent 10 years living inside my head and only really letting God in from time to time. I want to be able to radically pray anytime anywhere. I know this is going to take my own time though. I know I've got to choose to surrender my time, mind, and heart to pray for others. So, in an effort to become a radical prayer warrior, starting tomorrow I'm going to wake up at 4am each day and spend time on my knees praying. This won't be easy, cause the Lord knows I love my sleep. BUT I realize that there are SO many more people more important than my sleep. I also realize that I won't see crazy love or crazy healing in my own life for myself, my family and my friends if I don't daily spend time just asking God for His Hand, His Help, and His Spirit. So yeah. My radical year was missing 1/5th of the radical-ness that I hoped to experience, so it's time to remedy that.
In conclusion, I just want to reiterate that God is so good. I am powerless because God controls everything and He is above all things. Anything I do that makes me feel like I'm powerful is a trap and a lie. God is power. God is love.
God is my everything. He is perfection.
How can we define perfection if we are imperfect?
When our focus is to be perfect like Christ, we are running toward a goal we can't even define. It makes it easy for us to lose a sense of clear direction because we don't actually have a clear goal. In that case, our life is more about the goal of "doing." We want to do as Christ did and do the right thing.
What happens when we stop trying to "do" and we focus instead on "being"?
The only way for us to be Christ, instead of trying to be like him, is to rely on what He's given us - the Holy Spirit. How can we be Christ or even be like Christ without Christ's Spirit? If we change our goals and focus on just God, where can we go wrong? If our focus is God, then we should seek God more, spend more time with God more, depend on God, all with a clear focus - God. If our focus is being like God, the focus is more on ourselves and our capability to change.
We aren't capable of change.
Not in our own power. True change is the change from being selfish to being selfless. We naturally want to place ourselves at the center of our universe. Even people will low self-esteem often place themselves in the center, it's just in a negative light instead of a positive one. The only way for us to truly change is to focus on God, because when our hearts and minds are turned toward God, His glory will shine on us and radiate through us. We're supposed to be like mirrors - reflecting God's glory and allowing God to see Himself in us. We're not dogs or animals trying to learn new tricks, and we're not chameleons trying to make ourselves morph into God. The more we lose ourselves, the more God can show Himself through us. The more we let go of the things we believe define us - like personality traits, likes & dislikes, our own moral code - the more God can replace those things in us with His characteristics and His heart.
To quote Casting Crowns, "With eyes wide open to the differences - the god we want and the God who is. But could we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle?"
I can't imagine living a better life than a life where most of my time is spent in prayer and seeking to know God. Last year I read "Radical" by David Platt and I made several commitments. I promised to join a church, I promised to fast from buying books, movies, and music for my own personal pleasure, I promised to read through the Bible in one year, I promised to spend a portion of my life in another context (meaning in a different culture and place), and I promised to pray for the nations every day. This year, through attempting to keep these commitments, I learned a lot about myself.
1) Promising to join a church…
I did not officially join a church this past year, but I've realized that there's so much more to standing before the church saying, "I'm joining this specific Body." My life is in a perpetual state of transition right now. I lived in Birmingham from February to August, in Huntsville from August to January, and now I'm in South Africa until June. It seemed a little weird officially joining a church. What HAS stuck out is how I'm called to consistently be a part of the Body of Christ. College was a time where I was pretty unplugged from any consistent form of fellowship with the Body. I went to a different church each year of college because of several reasons, but mainly it came down to sound doctrine. I don't think I realized how important sound doctrine was to my faith until I came to college and found a lot of places that were either technically preaching the Gospel by word, but not by action and attitude of heart, and then I found places that just weren't teaching the Word, or they twisted the Word to fit their purposes. At one place I even made some of the church leadership angry because I was questioning what they were teaching and they accused me of being afraid of God. Well, YEAH. Duh. I am afraid of God. He's the only thing in the universe that can condemn me. He's the most just and righteous entity/ being/ spirit in existence. Of course I'm afraid of leading people astray and I'm afraid of fitting his Word to match my lifestyle and my natural instinct. When they accused me of that, it was one of the biggest wake up calls of my experience at that church. That was the first church that really turned me off to the whole idea of church. I've been hurt by church people before - I don't think there's any possible way to avoid getting hurt by church people during your lifetime (considering there are quite a few unSaved churched people). Anyway, I can talk about that another time because it's a whole 'nother topic.
So, God really showed me that regardless of my past experiences or my present situations, I really have to be involved as a member of the Body of Christ, regardless also of what church service I attend. So, I did some things I typically would not have done had I not been listening to God's urging. This past summer I joined a discipleship group at the church I had attended since the previous Thanksgiving. I knew there probably wouldn't be any UAB people and I knew I probably wouldn't know anyone in it, which generally terrified me. I was not good around new people - I've been extremely shy. BUT, I joined nonetheless because I knew God wanted me with a group of believers I could be transparent with. Guess what? Those girls - SO not scary. They were awesome! =) I grew a lot last summer because it was one of the few times where I was completely open to whatever God wanted to me to here. I struggle with being stubborn and clinging onto past experiences, but this summer I took a leap of faith and I learned more about God and my own faith than I have in a loooong time. I regularly attended our college ministry stuff and even had legit fun in the process. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal at all, but you just don't understand how scary people are to me. In my mind, people (even people that you truly love as friends, family, or your significant other) hurt you. They cause sometimes unbearable pain. I've had a lot of moments in my life where I've questioned my own significance as a human being solely because I felt so unbelievably worthless to everyone I cared about. This summer, God just kind of broke up a lot of my expectations and told me that I've just had lots of experiences with people that don't have Him hidden in their heart. He showed me a group of still imperfect people, but people that truly sought God. I can't really describe how much it meant to me that Erica, Hannah, Emily Grace, Emily, Janna, Katherine, and all the other D-group girls were willing to be friends with me and love me as their Sister when they didn't even know me.
Studying at Shades this summer, along with 'interning' aka. editing videos for their media director, opened my eyes to all the suspicion and distrust and resentment I had built up against the church. It showed me that I have a place in the Church and a calling to really be a Sister within the Body of Christ. It also showed me the importance of finding a family that's for real about following Christ, a family that is following the call to make disciples, a family that focuses on humility before God, a family that prays passionately, a family that depends on the Spirit, and a family that pour over the Word and promises and teaching of Christ. I'm so done with the pleasing doctrine that ignores God's Word and promises comfort and riches during this life. That's not what this life is about. This life is a race and it's not supposed to be rainbows and butterflies all the time. It's supposed to be about giving God glory throughout absolutely everything. So, in conclusion - wherever I am and for however long, I'm going to be involved in the Body of Christ. In Huntsville I was blessed to help out with my home church's youth group and puppet team, and now I'm in a praise band and I'm hoping to somehow get involved with the youth group if possible.
2) Promising to fast…
So, books, movies, and music = pretty much what I draw energy from. People talk about introversion and extraversion and how you either draw energy from people or from time alone. Well, I don't really care if people are with me or not with me, so long as I have time to completely lose myself in the awesome imagination God's blessed me with. Listening to just one song can put me in a completely different world. I decided to fast from these things for several reasons.
A. I wanted to spend more time with people and less by myself. I decided before I started my fast that I would still go to the movie theater with people, but I wouldn't buy my own movies or go to the theater alone. This was a LOT more difficult than I anticipated. I eventually got used to it, but not buying music whenever I wanted it was SO HARD. The awesome thing that came from this is that it made me value the money God gives me to spend more, because I had more money to spend with friends. I spent more time doing fun stuff with other people and sharing/ experiencing life with others, more so than I had previously done. I also had less incentive to stay in my room. I also was able to spend more on other people, and I've realized that I really like being able to say, "Don't worry! I've got you covered!" when someone worries about not having enough money to spend time with me and other friends. I know Feb 22nd is coming up close and my initial response is to buy and download every episode of Doctor Who, but now I'm really questioning if that's how I want to spend my money when I can use my money to help others, give to others, or use it to allow me to spend time with others. Same thing with movies and books.
B. When it came to individual books I wanted to read or movies people told me to watch, I started asking if I could borrow stuff. I wasn't really expecting this, but it really showed me which of my friends really trust me and which ones don't. I can say that I definitely chose some really great best friends. =) I can also say this showed me who I need to pray for because they have problems trusting their close friends…. I know myself, and I take good care of my stuff, particularly if it's not mine and I'm borrowing something. If I ruined something of someone else's I would replace it. I know my own character, and this experience revealed to me that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt so easily when people don't trust me after YEARS of friendship. I can't change their hearts by being any different than I already am, with the exception of praying for that person more and more. So, yeah. Friends. Learned a lot about them this past year. (Quick blurb: I think my best friends found out how much I really love to read this past year, because I got a lot of books for Christmas, and it really was an excellent Christmas =) Thanks guys!)
My fast is almost over and I can buy stuff again. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now and see how my method/ thought processes of buying fun stuff has changed.
3) Promising to read the Bible….
This started out so much easier the first half of the year… partially because it seemed like I had more time to study the Word in college than I did in real life after graduation, partially because it took a while before I hit Jeremiah and Ezekiel (ijfoiwejflksaejfoawiefaowief -- my feelings on these two books). About a month ago I realized that I was going to only read the Old Testament in a year. Luckily, I had already read the New Testament all the way through before last year when I made this commitment, so I can at least say I've read the entire Bible by this Feb 22nd. Looking back, I wish I would've started reading my Bible regularly when I first became a Christian when I was 15. I can look back and see the incredible power of the Lord in my life, but I would bet that the transformation I've experienced would've gone a lot quicker had a remained faithful in consistently reading and studying His Word. This year has shown me how interested I really am in studying the Word. It's gone from more than I desire just to read, and a much stronger desire to truly understand. That's why Jeremiah and Ezekiel really hung me up - I just don't get them. I understand the importance of truly following God and I understand His righteousness more, but there's just a lot of fire and brimstone type stuff that is heavy and I just don't get all of it. So, yeah. When this year is up I'm going to focus more one taking my time in studying the Word, as opposed to reading through.
I'm really happy I decided to read through the bible though. I loved reading through Job because now I know that regardless of any hardship I face, I'm supposed to remain faithful to God and that my faithfulness will most certainly pay off even when it seems like there's no hope. It inspired me to hold closer to God during hard times. I also loved reading Isaiah. God is so good :) He is a great God of great promises. Isaiah made me fall more in love with God and reminded me that after this life long race, I get to spend the rest of eternity in joyous praise of true holiness =)
Reading through the OT taught me much more than I can share right here, but overall it showed me that God's Word isn't an option in my life. If I want to grow, I have to seek God, pray, look and listen for him anywhere and everywhere, and read His Word - a great tool that too often gets overlooked.
4) Promising to spend my life in another context…
Well… hello. I'm in South Africa right now! Even though I spend the majority of my day in an office at work, I'm still intentionally going out to find ministries to get involved in outside of work. In my mind, everything I do is about bringing glory to God's name and trying to urge people to join in His great work! I'm so excited to have this opportunity to serve Him in a different culture and in a different phase of life. Primarily my goal is to make disciples. One quote that motivates me is from Francis Chan's talk at Passion 2012: "Do you really believe that God commanded you to go and make disciples? … Do you read that and go, 'Alright, I'm gonna go start making some disciples.' You guys, we gotta start doing this. Man, we talk about human trafficking… the solution to human trafficking is making disciples. That's a solution. It's changing people's hearts because some of the people that you go to school with, some of them will be the victims of human trafficking and some of them will be the culprits of it."
If we spend our lives fighting bad things because we want to get rid of bad things, and all we do is try to oppose bad things through our own resources and abilities, we're never going to get rid of the problem. The problem is that people need their lives changed, and not enough of us that have had our lives changed are willing to go out and talk about how others can receive life change. That's not me anymore. God saved me. He changed my life. I'm not compassionate or forgiving by my own power. I'm not caring or loyal by my own power. I can't write or edit videos because I made myself good at those things. Everything I am is because of the power of God in my life. Everything I do needs to be about Him. My life is wrong if it's not all about Him. My life is without purpose if I'm not glorifying Him. I'm not sure where I'll be 2, 10 or 50 years down the road, but the one thing I hope is forever consistent in my life is that I will glorify God in everything and that my life is about sharing His work, and His goodness, and His solution to all problems. I can't dedicate my life to anything better than that.
5) Promising to pray for the nations every day…
This was the one thing that really tripped me up. The biggest thing this year of radical-ness taught me was that I'm not a radical prayer warrior, but I DESPERATELY need to be. This has been a particularly big thing the past few weeks here in South Africa. Despite all I've learned about God in the past year, people still scare me, I miss my friends like you wouldn't believe it, I still have to surrender my doubt to God whenever it shows up, and through reading the Word and listening to the things some of my friends say and do and believe, I realize that I am so small. I am SO small. I can't, through my power, save my friends or make them understand God. I can't save the world or take away people's problems by myself. I'm not in control, I'm not powerful, and I don't have tons of money or ideas to create a perfect life for anyone. BUT, I have God. I think that the world would be a radically different place if every person that claimed they followed Christ spent 1 hour on their knees in earnest, heartfelt prayer every day. I truly believe our planet would be a different place if we Christians did that.
I personally rely on myself far too often. I process things on my own, I think a lot and use my own reasoning. I don't fall down before God and ask for help or beg for the salvation of those I care about every day, and I know I should be. Don't get me wrong - I have cried out to God for a lot of people that I love and even people that I don't even know. I'm just not consistent with it because I get so distracted. I've spent 10 years living inside my head and only really letting God in from time to time. I want to be able to radically pray anytime anywhere. I know this is going to take my own time though. I know I've got to choose to surrender my time, mind, and heart to pray for others. So, in an effort to become a radical prayer warrior, starting tomorrow I'm going to wake up at 4am each day and spend time on my knees praying. This won't be easy, cause the Lord knows I love my sleep. BUT I realize that there are SO many more people more important than my sleep. I also realize that I won't see crazy love or crazy healing in my own life for myself, my family and my friends if I don't daily spend time just asking God for His Hand, His Help, and His Spirit. So yeah. My radical year was missing 1/5th of the radical-ness that I hoped to experience, so it's time to remedy that.
In conclusion, I just want to reiterate that God is so good. I am powerless because God controls everything and He is above all things. Anything I do that makes me feel like I'm powerful is a trap and a lie. God is power. God is love.
God is my everything. He is perfection.
Monday, February 13, 2012
A Little Big Thing
Simplicity.
Christianity.
These two words have more in common than I typically recognize. These two words have also found themselves frequent in my vocabulary.
There are a lot of people that give Christianity a bad rep because they forget about how simple it truly is. There are people that just straight up don't believe that Christ can save you, there are those that think Christ can save you, but He can't save you all by himself - there's all this extra stuff you have to do, and then there are those that recognize that Christ alone can save.
I was blessed with the opportunity to share the Gospel with a national in Botswana and as I reflected on our conversation later, the simplicity of the Gospel just sort of smacked me in the face. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had about predestination, free will, the infallibility of the Bible vs the fallibility of the Bible, women in the Church, homosexuality, liberalism vs conservatism, naive sin, baptism by dunking or sprinkling, being stewards of God's creation, all this stuff that can get so tangled and convoluted and can raise people's blood pressure. Amidst all this extra stuff I sometimes looked past what the simple truth is.
In the beginning, God created everything. He created man and woman as perfect individuals and He gave them one command to follow. Man and woman broke that command and sinned, and so God cast them out of paradise because He is so Holy that He could no longer be in the presence of mankind. God still loved man, so he gave him more commandments to follow. Anytime someone broke a commandment, they had to make a blood sacrifice - because the only thing that can cover a man's sin is purifying blood.
Man was still constantly sinful and wasn't real big on this whole sacrificing thing - we were too busy doing our own thing and didn't want God. We think we're pretty awesome on our own. So, God still loved us and He wanted to have a personal relationship with us, so He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to be the final sacrifice - the blood atonement - for all of mankind. He gave freely and suffered just so He could be close to us. Why doesn't this 'wow' us more often? Why do we shrug off this sacrifice like it's no big deal? After Christ died, all a person had to do is proclaim that Jesus was the final atoning sacrifice, that He is alive and the head honcho now, and that person must also ask for forgiveness for their sins. (Check out John 3: 34-36).
When you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is King, then you will be saved.
When you confess, you then receive the Holy Spirit to guide you and to regenerate you into a Christ-like creature. C.S. Lewis said, "Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And, taking your life as a whole, with all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heaven creator or into a hellish creature…" This process of regeneration isn't quick. For me it took approximately 1.5 years to go from feeling nothing and being hopeless to truly understanding forgiveness. Within those 1.5 years I felt a lot of hatred, a thirst for revenge, anger, bitterness, and slowly God changed my heart in each of those situations. He began to take those things away from me, He opened up my eyes to show me the monster that I was. He did NOT open my eyes, point at me and say, "SARAH JOHNSON, GO TO HELL!!!" No! He opened my eyes and He said, "My child!! My child!! Look at what you are doing! Look at who you are hurting! Did I not already forgive you?! Look! I can give you mercy to extend to others, I can give you grace and understanding so that you can love others, I can show you why to be patient, and how! My child, I love you! Please, I beg you to love others!"
God isn't screaming at people condemning them to hell. There WILL be a judgment day, but that day is not today. Instead God is begging and pleading for people to love Him and to turn to His Way. He sacrificed for you and me. He's waiting to teach people and show people love and joy and peace and kindness and goodness and gentleness and patience and self control. We get so caught up in our struggles and politics and what we view as fair and equal that we forget the still, small voice of God saying, "I have what you need!! I have the one thing you truly need!!" And that thing is forgiveness.
Forgiveness because we, all of us, every single human, have done bad things. We're not all murderers, but I haven't met a person that has never told a lie. We're not all evil rulers out to kill anyone they deem unpure, but I'm fairly certain everyone I know has (at least once) thought, "Screw them, I'm going to do what I want." We've all considered ourselves more important than others, we've looked down on others, or we've been too afraid or lazy to help someone in need. God doesn't call us to be perfect in our own power. He offers us His power and He perfects us as we walk with Him. He shows us how to be like Him.
This may sounds complicated to you, and I hope it doesn't. Because the simple truth is that we have to give up living for ourselves if we want to be happy. We will never find true joy when we're constantly seeking satisfaction in wealth or success or a spouse/significant other or drugs or whatever your choice of substitute is. The only thing we can find true satisfaction in is God, and God wants so desperately to satisfy us. We're just too selfish to let Him.
So, what about you? Do you want to find peace? Do you want true satisfaction? Do you want to know how to solve your problems? Or do you want to keep turning to your own means? Do you prefer depending on your own reasoning, or your own love, or your own capability?
I know I've depended on myself way too often and it burned me every single time. God is SO good!! He is SO great!! He can love me better than my parents can! He can provide for me better than I can for myself! He treasures me more than any amazing husband ever could. He is so amazingly awesome. :)
So, I'm living for Him always. My life is His. He paid the price for my sins and I've said, "Thanks God! You're awesome! What do I do next to love and please you?" And I have to tell Him that constantly as a reminder to myself that I'm His and I'm here to obey His instruction.
What about you?
Christianity.
These two words have more in common than I typically recognize. These two words have also found themselves frequent in my vocabulary.
There are a lot of people that give Christianity a bad rep because they forget about how simple it truly is. There are people that just straight up don't believe that Christ can save you, there are those that think Christ can save you, but He can't save you all by himself - there's all this extra stuff you have to do, and then there are those that recognize that Christ alone can save.
I was blessed with the opportunity to share the Gospel with a national in Botswana and as I reflected on our conversation later, the simplicity of the Gospel just sort of smacked me in the face. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had about predestination, free will, the infallibility of the Bible vs the fallibility of the Bible, women in the Church, homosexuality, liberalism vs conservatism, naive sin, baptism by dunking or sprinkling, being stewards of God's creation, all this stuff that can get so tangled and convoluted and can raise people's blood pressure. Amidst all this extra stuff I sometimes looked past what the simple truth is.
In the beginning, God created everything. He created man and woman as perfect individuals and He gave them one command to follow. Man and woman broke that command and sinned, and so God cast them out of paradise because He is so Holy that He could no longer be in the presence of mankind. God still loved man, so he gave him more commandments to follow. Anytime someone broke a commandment, they had to make a blood sacrifice - because the only thing that can cover a man's sin is purifying blood.
Man was still constantly sinful and wasn't real big on this whole sacrificing thing - we were too busy doing our own thing and didn't want God. We think we're pretty awesome on our own. So, God still loved us and He wanted to have a personal relationship with us, so He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to be the final sacrifice - the blood atonement - for all of mankind. He gave freely and suffered just so He could be close to us. Why doesn't this 'wow' us more often? Why do we shrug off this sacrifice like it's no big deal? After Christ died, all a person had to do is proclaim that Jesus was the final atoning sacrifice, that He is alive and the head honcho now, and that person must also ask for forgiveness for their sins. (Check out John 3: 34-36).
When you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is King, then you will be saved.
When you confess, you then receive the Holy Spirit to guide you and to regenerate you into a Christ-like creature. C.S. Lewis said, "Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And, taking your life as a whole, with all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heaven creator or into a hellish creature…" This process of regeneration isn't quick. For me it took approximately 1.5 years to go from feeling nothing and being hopeless to truly understanding forgiveness. Within those 1.5 years I felt a lot of hatred, a thirst for revenge, anger, bitterness, and slowly God changed my heart in each of those situations. He began to take those things away from me, He opened up my eyes to show me the monster that I was. He did NOT open my eyes, point at me and say, "SARAH JOHNSON, GO TO HELL!!!" No! He opened my eyes and He said, "My child!! My child!! Look at what you are doing! Look at who you are hurting! Did I not already forgive you?! Look! I can give you mercy to extend to others, I can give you grace and understanding so that you can love others, I can show you why to be patient, and how! My child, I love you! Please, I beg you to love others!"
God isn't screaming at people condemning them to hell. There WILL be a judgment day, but that day is not today. Instead God is begging and pleading for people to love Him and to turn to His Way. He sacrificed for you and me. He's waiting to teach people and show people love and joy and peace and kindness and goodness and gentleness and patience and self control. We get so caught up in our struggles and politics and what we view as fair and equal that we forget the still, small voice of God saying, "I have what you need!! I have the one thing you truly need!!" And that thing is forgiveness.
Forgiveness because we, all of us, every single human, have done bad things. We're not all murderers, but I haven't met a person that has never told a lie. We're not all evil rulers out to kill anyone they deem unpure, but I'm fairly certain everyone I know has (at least once) thought, "Screw them, I'm going to do what I want." We've all considered ourselves more important than others, we've looked down on others, or we've been too afraid or lazy to help someone in need. God doesn't call us to be perfect in our own power. He offers us His power and He perfects us as we walk with Him. He shows us how to be like Him.
This may sounds complicated to you, and I hope it doesn't. Because the simple truth is that we have to give up living for ourselves if we want to be happy. We will never find true joy when we're constantly seeking satisfaction in wealth or success or a spouse/significant other or drugs or whatever your choice of substitute is. The only thing we can find true satisfaction in is God, and God wants so desperately to satisfy us. We're just too selfish to let Him.
So, what about you? Do you want to find peace? Do you want true satisfaction? Do you want to know how to solve your problems? Or do you want to keep turning to your own means? Do you prefer depending on your own reasoning, or your own love, or your own capability?
I know I've depended on myself way too often and it burned me every single time. God is SO good!! He is SO great!! He can love me better than my parents can! He can provide for me better than I can for myself! He treasures me more than any amazing husband ever could. He is so amazingly awesome. :)
So, I'm living for Him always. My life is His. He paid the price for my sins and I've said, "Thanks God! You're awesome! What do I do next to love and please you?" And I have to tell Him that constantly as a reminder to myself that I'm His and I'm here to obey His instruction.
What about you?
Monday, February 6, 2012
White Flags
True joy is something that was really hard for me to grasp. It used to be a common thing for me to cry anytime I got slightly emotional about God. There were so many things that made me cry and it seemed like I spent the past 8 years crying to make up for the years of no tears I experienced before I knew Christ.
Passion was different this year. It was a breaking point. I didn't break down this year, I didn't cry over and over, I did something so completely different than what I'm used to … My face broke into a smile again and again and again. :) I smiled so much, I can hardly believe it now a month later. I found something this year. I found joy.
Depression is one of those complicated things that is so deeply rooted in a person's thoughts and emotion, and it even takes a physical tole. I remember the time I lost 8 lbs in one week because I was so depressed I couldn't eat. I also remember the one time I turned to cutting just to feel something because I was so desperate to feel. I remember crying myself to sleep just because I felt so useless and stupid and unwanted and ugly. I remember quite a lot, and I've experienced quite a lot. I've suffered from depression for right around 10 years. Moving to Alabama was the catalyst. I think that quite literally it started with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I remember 7th grade in this way: every single day was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. Moving to a new place for me was like being ripped from this beautiful fairy-tale of a childhood with few bad days, and many amazing friends and shoved into a group of cold-hearted southern bumpkins that found way too much amusement in calling me fat and making me feel stupid. (Disclaimer = Paige Cochran was my hero in middle school. She was my best friend, and she was I think the only person I never felt judged by all the way through middle school, and it was pretty much the best part of my entire middle school career).
Along with all that, I want to say this: being a follower of Christ is a journey. It's a constant turning over of yourself to God, and it's allowing the Holy Spirit to point out your flaws and your sin, then giving you the opportunity to surrender those things to God. My life has never been perfect if you just look at me, and it never will be. I'm flawed even where I don't see it. The thing is, I'm learning. Always learning, always finding flaws and seeing where I'm not surrendering different areas of my life to God. So, these past 10 years of depression haven't gone without growth. Slowly God has revealed hope and several other things. Being a follower of Christ is such a thick and deep subject, so I'm going to skim on a lot and jump to the big deal that happened at Passion this year.
So, back to depression. A lot of my depression was fueled by doubt. I didn't think that I was worth anyone's love. I didn't think I was worth it to a lot my friends, I didn't think I was worth a second glance from any guys, I didn't think I was smart enough to make it in any kind of career, I didn't think I was worth investing in, I didn't think I was worth being discipled by older believers, I didn't think I was worth much of anything. I knew I wasn't helpless and I knew I had things to contribute to the world, but it really comes down to me not thinking that I was someone worth having a personal relationship with. All of those thoughts and beliefs made me doubtful of myself time and time again. I didn't find a lot of joy in much of anything (except Lord of the Rings… I will forever find joy in how God speaks to me through Tolkien).
At Passion, the theme was freedom. The whole conference was centered around setting slaves free from bondage. It was there that I realized I wasn't just doubtful, but I was enslaved to doubt. It controlled my actions. It kept me from pursing friendships, and all kinds of relationships - be it with friends, family, girls, guys, adults, or kids. I was trapped in a lie and the 'great deceiver,' Satan, had me convinced of all of these ridiculous beliefs about myself. I'm not perfect, and I'm not God, but I love my friends dearly. I love some of my friends so much it hurts. I let people run over me because I just want them to know that God loves them no matter what. I know some of my friends are constantly hurting, and that's why some of them hurt me, but I just want them to see how inexplicably awesome God's healing is. I also seem to have a knack for story telling. I learned how to write well after I became a Christian, so I really think it is a gift. It's not because I'm awesome, but God has given me a gift to seek stories and write stories. I hid these gifts a lot in college because I was constantly distracted and doubted the gift I was given. There are more things I no longer doubt, because God has blessed me with a lot of things I thought were untrue about myself.
At Passion we sang a song called, "White Flag." The chorus went like this, "We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you, all for you. We raise our white flag, the war is over, love has come, your love has won." During the conference I realized my enslavement to doubt and I realized that fighting with doubt wasn't my battle. For so long I tried so hard to be a good Christian. I tried to fight off doubt because I know that my depression wasn't righteous and it wasn't how I needed to live if I wanted to be all God wanted me to be. I never turned to meds or a shrink. I knew if I just ate right and exercised my seretonan (sp?) levels and whatnot would normalize to what they should be, or they'd at least get close. I was too lazy to eat right and exercise, so I wasn't going to turn to medicine because in my heart I felt like that was just an easy way out/ excuse to whine. Now, I did visit the doctor when I had unusual depression that wasn't the norm for me and I gained a lot of weight in 4 months without changing anything. Turns out my thyroid isn't working up to par (which runs in my family, so). As far as a shrink goes… well… I've needed to get a Christian mentor for quite a while, so I'm looking into that now. I wasn't interested in a typical shrink because I knew that someone that wasn't a Christian wasn't going to give me the help I truly needed. I don't suggest ignoring help to anyone, but I was too afraid to admit to any adults that I had a problem. Only a few of my closest friends knew I was struggling, and I'm not really sure how much I even let them know.
So back to Passion (sorry, I think backstory is important): I struggled with wanting to be a good Christian and I thought that I should just be one and that I shouldn't struggle as much as I did. In a sense, I was right in my thinking. I shouldn't have struggled that much, I should have just given my struggles to Christ. That was the thing that hit home at Passion: Christ has already won the battle. He has defeated sin and He is the one that has conquered Satan and is waiting to end the war. I was fighting my battle against depression mostly alone because I thought that was my lot in life. Boy, oh boy was I wrong. All I had to do was raise my white flag and say, "God!! I can't fight Satan!! He's too big for me and too strong! Help me, please! Here, take this depression and doubt and start beating the crap out of it, please!" And guess what? He did! Knowing that I didn't have to fight this personal battle made my shoulders so much lighter! I was so free! I was free to worship with all of my heart, and sing without caring what people thought of my voice, free to smile as big as I wanted, free to be so incredibly happy that God made me Me.
I realized again that God loves me. Not because I deserve it (the Lord knows that I certainly don't deserve it with my past). He loves me because He's awesome like that. He wants me to be free to love Him back, and that's what I found at Passion 2012. Freedom to love God without feeling so unworthy. It's a weird knowledge to explain, because I know I'm unworthy, but I don't feel unworthy. I just feel really loved.
Now I'm not only free to love God unashamedly, but I'm free to love others too. :) That's a big part of my life now. I'm not sure quite how this will appear in my life, because I already loved people before, but I think it was more in my heart and not really as evident as I would like it to be. So, yesterday I played with toddlers and picked up a bouncy ball that fell into an already used kiddie toilet bowl. Yep, that sounds disgusting and I could've spent my entire morning freaking out about how completely unsanitary those little kids were, but whatever. They were adorable and they CRAVED love. The first thing they did when I entered the building was run and hug my legs. It was an adjustment for sure, but I just got over it. That was a moment where I know God's love for me freed me to love others. Also, I stayed with two really awesome girls while I was in Botswana. I lived in their house for two days, and there were several things that I know would have bothered me had I visited their house last December, BUT this January I was free :) Now I just remember having a great two days of experiencing a different culture's lifestyle. I remember seeing beautiful farm land, going to a very different church service than what I typically experience at home, having awesome conversation with two really great university aged girls (my new friends!), having fun learning how to wash clothes the Botswana day, and just enjoying life. It was almost weird enjoying life like that, but it was mostly just enjoyable :)
Am I still depressed? Nope. Just no. That's not Me anymore. I'm just done with that, because now I know that's something I have to surrender to God whenever it presents itself. It's really that simple.
I waited a month before posting this because I wanted to make sure I could still say all that with the same conviction I experienced at the beginning of Passion. Life isn't easy, but it's never been easy. Flying 17 hours away from my family and friends wasn't easy, but it's what God wanted me to do, so He's made life joyful because of my obedience.
I don't know who is reading this or where you are in life, but I can assure you that I've known so many depressed people in my life. There were several years where I couldn't have told you anything as true as this: depression doesn't have to claim your life. God loves you. Satan is the one making your life miserable (and I'm being honest here: your own stubbornness is part of the equation as well, just as my stubbornness was). God wants to set you free. He wants you to proclaim His Son as your Savior (google John 3 and look specifically at verses 16-18), and He wants you to seek Him. That's what my life is now. I just want to seek Him always, love Him, and love others. What more could you want from life than true love? Seek and you will find.
So… seek, surrender, love, be FREE.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Passion was different this year. It was a breaking point. I didn't break down this year, I didn't cry over and over, I did something so completely different than what I'm used to … My face broke into a smile again and again and again. :) I smiled so much, I can hardly believe it now a month later. I found something this year. I found joy.
Depression is one of those complicated things that is so deeply rooted in a person's thoughts and emotion, and it even takes a physical tole. I remember the time I lost 8 lbs in one week because I was so depressed I couldn't eat. I also remember the one time I turned to cutting just to feel something because I was so desperate to feel. I remember crying myself to sleep just because I felt so useless and stupid and unwanted and ugly. I remember quite a lot, and I've experienced quite a lot. I've suffered from depression for right around 10 years. Moving to Alabama was the catalyst. I think that quite literally it started with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I remember 7th grade in this way: every single day was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. Moving to a new place for me was like being ripped from this beautiful fairy-tale of a childhood with few bad days, and many amazing friends and shoved into a group of cold-hearted southern bumpkins that found way too much amusement in calling me fat and making me feel stupid. (Disclaimer = Paige Cochran was my hero in middle school. She was my best friend, and she was I think the only person I never felt judged by all the way through middle school, and it was pretty much the best part of my entire middle school career).
Along with all that, I want to say this: being a follower of Christ is a journey. It's a constant turning over of yourself to God, and it's allowing the Holy Spirit to point out your flaws and your sin, then giving you the opportunity to surrender those things to God. My life has never been perfect if you just look at me, and it never will be. I'm flawed even where I don't see it. The thing is, I'm learning. Always learning, always finding flaws and seeing where I'm not surrendering different areas of my life to God. So, these past 10 years of depression haven't gone without growth. Slowly God has revealed hope and several other things. Being a follower of Christ is such a thick and deep subject, so I'm going to skim on a lot and jump to the big deal that happened at Passion this year.
So, back to depression. A lot of my depression was fueled by doubt. I didn't think that I was worth anyone's love. I didn't think I was worth it to a lot my friends, I didn't think I was worth a second glance from any guys, I didn't think I was smart enough to make it in any kind of career, I didn't think I was worth investing in, I didn't think I was worth being discipled by older believers, I didn't think I was worth much of anything. I knew I wasn't helpless and I knew I had things to contribute to the world, but it really comes down to me not thinking that I was someone worth having a personal relationship with. All of those thoughts and beliefs made me doubtful of myself time and time again. I didn't find a lot of joy in much of anything (except Lord of the Rings… I will forever find joy in how God speaks to me through Tolkien).
At Passion, the theme was freedom. The whole conference was centered around setting slaves free from bondage. It was there that I realized I wasn't just doubtful, but I was enslaved to doubt. It controlled my actions. It kept me from pursing friendships, and all kinds of relationships - be it with friends, family, girls, guys, adults, or kids. I was trapped in a lie and the 'great deceiver,' Satan, had me convinced of all of these ridiculous beliefs about myself. I'm not perfect, and I'm not God, but I love my friends dearly. I love some of my friends so much it hurts. I let people run over me because I just want them to know that God loves them no matter what. I know some of my friends are constantly hurting, and that's why some of them hurt me, but I just want them to see how inexplicably awesome God's healing is. I also seem to have a knack for story telling. I learned how to write well after I became a Christian, so I really think it is a gift. It's not because I'm awesome, but God has given me a gift to seek stories and write stories. I hid these gifts a lot in college because I was constantly distracted and doubted the gift I was given. There are more things I no longer doubt, because God has blessed me with a lot of things I thought were untrue about myself.
At Passion we sang a song called, "White Flag." The chorus went like this, "We raise our white flag, we surrender all to you, all for you. We raise our white flag, the war is over, love has come, your love has won." During the conference I realized my enslavement to doubt and I realized that fighting with doubt wasn't my battle. For so long I tried so hard to be a good Christian. I tried to fight off doubt because I know that my depression wasn't righteous and it wasn't how I needed to live if I wanted to be all God wanted me to be. I never turned to meds or a shrink. I knew if I just ate right and exercised my seretonan (sp?) levels and whatnot would normalize to what they should be, or they'd at least get close. I was too lazy to eat right and exercise, so I wasn't going to turn to medicine because in my heart I felt like that was just an easy way out/ excuse to whine. Now, I did visit the doctor when I had unusual depression that wasn't the norm for me and I gained a lot of weight in 4 months without changing anything. Turns out my thyroid isn't working up to par (which runs in my family, so). As far as a shrink goes… well… I've needed to get a Christian mentor for quite a while, so I'm looking into that now. I wasn't interested in a typical shrink because I knew that someone that wasn't a Christian wasn't going to give me the help I truly needed. I don't suggest ignoring help to anyone, but I was too afraid to admit to any adults that I had a problem. Only a few of my closest friends knew I was struggling, and I'm not really sure how much I even let them know.
So back to Passion (sorry, I think backstory is important): I struggled with wanting to be a good Christian and I thought that I should just be one and that I shouldn't struggle as much as I did. In a sense, I was right in my thinking. I shouldn't have struggled that much, I should have just given my struggles to Christ. That was the thing that hit home at Passion: Christ has already won the battle. He has defeated sin and He is the one that has conquered Satan and is waiting to end the war. I was fighting my battle against depression mostly alone because I thought that was my lot in life. Boy, oh boy was I wrong. All I had to do was raise my white flag and say, "God!! I can't fight Satan!! He's too big for me and too strong! Help me, please! Here, take this depression and doubt and start beating the crap out of it, please!" And guess what? He did! Knowing that I didn't have to fight this personal battle made my shoulders so much lighter! I was so free! I was free to worship with all of my heart, and sing without caring what people thought of my voice, free to smile as big as I wanted, free to be so incredibly happy that God made me Me.
I realized again that God loves me. Not because I deserve it (the Lord knows that I certainly don't deserve it with my past). He loves me because He's awesome like that. He wants me to be free to love Him back, and that's what I found at Passion 2012. Freedom to love God without feeling so unworthy. It's a weird knowledge to explain, because I know I'm unworthy, but I don't feel unworthy. I just feel really loved.
Now I'm not only free to love God unashamedly, but I'm free to love others too. :) That's a big part of my life now. I'm not sure quite how this will appear in my life, because I already loved people before, but I think it was more in my heart and not really as evident as I would like it to be. So, yesterday I played with toddlers and picked up a bouncy ball that fell into an already used kiddie toilet bowl. Yep, that sounds disgusting and I could've spent my entire morning freaking out about how completely unsanitary those little kids were, but whatever. They were adorable and they CRAVED love. The first thing they did when I entered the building was run and hug my legs. It was an adjustment for sure, but I just got over it. That was a moment where I know God's love for me freed me to love others. Also, I stayed with two really awesome girls while I was in Botswana. I lived in their house for two days, and there were several things that I know would have bothered me had I visited their house last December, BUT this January I was free :) Now I just remember having a great two days of experiencing a different culture's lifestyle. I remember seeing beautiful farm land, going to a very different church service than what I typically experience at home, having awesome conversation with two really great university aged girls (my new friends!), having fun learning how to wash clothes the Botswana day, and just enjoying life. It was almost weird enjoying life like that, but it was mostly just enjoyable :)
Am I still depressed? Nope. Just no. That's not Me anymore. I'm just done with that, because now I know that's something I have to surrender to God whenever it presents itself. It's really that simple.
I waited a month before posting this because I wanted to make sure I could still say all that with the same conviction I experienced at the beginning of Passion. Life isn't easy, but it's never been easy. Flying 17 hours away from my family and friends wasn't easy, but it's what God wanted me to do, so He's made life joyful because of my obedience.
I don't know who is reading this or where you are in life, but I can assure you that I've known so many depressed people in my life. There were several years where I couldn't have told you anything as true as this: depression doesn't have to claim your life. God loves you. Satan is the one making your life miserable (and I'm being honest here: your own stubbornness is part of the equation as well, just as my stubbornness was). God wants to set you free. He wants you to proclaim His Son as your Savior (google John 3 and look specifically at verses 16-18), and He wants you to seek Him. That's what my life is now. I just want to seek Him always, love Him, and love others. What more could you want from life than true love? Seek and you will find.
So… seek, surrender, love, be FREE.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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