My own little Middle Earth

So this post will go a bit against the norm of my other posts because I don't have my Bible open in front of me with several verses to pull from. This was just kind of a realization I had about faith, as well as my personal testimony. But all the knowledge and wisdom I've gained over the years has come from studying the Word and by talking to God in prayer asking for Him to help me decipher His Word. These are the interpretations I think He's shown me, and if anything I've thought has been just a wandering thought of mine without real Biblical foundation, I pray you will forget it. I am fallible, so I'm not right about everything.

But there's this awesome feeling of satisfaction and joy when you're reading something in your Bible or when you're crying out to God and He just seems to answer your question :) Best. Feeling. Ever.

Begin:
It was near the end of 6th grade when my parents decided to move to Huntsville, Alabama from Atlanta, Georgia. Up until this time I had grown up in a Christian world. Raised up in church with a minister dad and a stay-at-home mom, I knew all kinds of Bible stories. At around age 7 my parents told me about this prayer to pray because it was what good Christians did. So, wanting to be obedient, I prayed this prayer and got a cupcake and was baptized. My parents had great intentions, but I often acted older than I was and just liked to obey them so they'd be proud of me. That prayer was just full of words to me. Finding out the truth about faith would take so much more than being obedient for my parents...

The end of 6th grade and basically all of 7th grade was a nightmare for me. For the first time in my life, I really took a look at what I looked like. I noticed my weight, my red Irish complexion, my simple clothes, and my weird Christian background. I was apparently an excellent target of harsh words... my 12 year old heart was more miserable than it had ever been. To this day, that year of my life was the most painful thing I ever went through. But low and behold, that too did pass. Because in 8th grade I was older than the rest of the kids at school, I hit a growth spurt of like 3 inches and worked out/ dieted with dedication. I was skinny and caddy and tried to talk to as many people as possible. I started cussing and started fitting in as much as I could. Because when I did all the things my parents told me not to do, I had friends. I was popular(ish), people talked to me, I had significance.

The significance I had in popularity lasted for right around 7 months and then I entered school as a freshman. Back at the bottom of the food chain and I'm not sure what happened with all those friends. I wasn't friendless, but the friends I was left with didn't seem to have the desire for companionship that I did. I've always loved the movie "Anne of Green Gables"... I wanted that kindred spirit. I wanted that one best friend. The longer I went without that kindred spirit, the more depressed I got. Until finally I decided it was time to end my life because I was never going to find that kindred spirit. By that time I wasn't even going to find a trustworthy friend. I don't know how many times you've had a 'best friend' stab you in the back, but it just seems like I'm some kind of magnet for disloyal people. More personal stuff unfolded between me and said "friends" to reveal that I really was alone. Alone. Alone. Things with my family weren't exactly great either... mostly because my sister and I were at that ripe age where we just annoyed each other to death. I had grown tired of the God my parents always talked about and I wanted nothing to do with all the promises I'd heard of from this "great God." I wanted to go to hell. I wanted to be anywhere my sister wasn't, anywhere where my christian friends wouldn't be. I knew in hell i'd be so preoccupied with pain that I wouldn't notice all my non-christian friends. I tried to find refuge in my solitude. Pain was one of the only things I felt anymore. And because I felt something, I held on to that feeling because I never wanted to become numb. I had reached the bottom. But for some reason, I could never completely follow through with the suicide attempts I made. Fear always kept me from that last little step to seal my death.

I don't really know what happened. But a month or so after my final suicide "attempt" (which was August of my sophomore year of HS), I was lying in my bed one night. Most of the days that month I was numb. I went through the day just letting stuff pass me by. I acted out happiness or whatever it was I was supposed to do to react to people. But every night I just laid there sad and hopeless. That night, I didn't know why, but I just got out my Bible. The Bible I hadn't read in quite a long time... and I opened it. I can't even remember where I turned or what I read, but whatever I read made me understand. I understood that putting your faith in God meant you trusted that Heaven was real and that His Word was real and it was truth. Having faith wasn't part of an agenda and you didn't just proclaim Jesus as your Savior. You don't walk around saying, "Jesus is Lord." The term "christian" isn't a title, it's a way of life. I finally understood that I had to live faith. I was making a conscience choice to dedicate my life to the promise that real reality is that one day, I'm going to die. And after my body dies, my soul will either go to Heaven or go to Hell, and that is where I'll spend the majority of my time. ... I mean, eternity is a pretty long time. So the real reality is this: This life on earth is just a small fraction of the time I'll be conscience and I have to trust that God's promises are real. That's faith.

That night was out of the blue. Nothing special happened earlier that day. No one said anything particular to make me open my Bible. Now I think it was just God. He saw my pain, and He nudged. Instead of fighting it, I just listened. With real curiosity and my numbness near the front of my mind, I opened my Bible and I read. That night I trusted God's Word and that night I became a Christian.

Life has been far from perfect since then and the back-stabbing friend habit I picked up certainly didn't stop. But I had a different perspective. Rather than my life getting worse and worse and worse until I got numb, a process developed. 1. I made decisions, 2. Some of those decisions ended up being mistakes, 3. I felt the consequences of those mistakes - mostly through pain, 4. I sought answers and tried to open up my mind and asked God, "Why?" 5. God answered, 6. I learned and I grew. It wasn't a walk in the park, but my life progressively got better in a sense - the more I grew, the closer I got to God and understanding His mind and His will. The more personal my relationship became with Him.

Now for a long time I've always wondered why fantasies aren't real. I wanted Middle Earth to exist. I was a ridiculous LotR fan for a couple years... still know how to speak some elvish. But I say that to demonstrate how caught up I got in my imagination. I wanted so badly to live a life of peace in Lothlorien. I wanted to be graceful and wise and beautiful. I wanted to live in a magical place unlike anything seen on Earth. I thought it was cruel that God gave me such a vivid imagination when what was in my head would never exist where I was. I was resentful about it sometimes. But many times I still found refuge in my Neverland. It was a beautiful place and it was a great place to visit when the realities of Earth got too painful. It was a place no one could take away.

A few nights ago I don't remember what I read again, but I was reading again. And somewhere in the fine print of God's Word it made sense again. My imagination isn't a curse or a cruel joke. My Neverland was a taste - just a taste - of what my real reality is. When I pass from this life I will be in my Middle Earth. It does exist, but in a fashion so grand and beautiful and peaceful that even my wild imagination can do it no justice. I can't even express what joy I feel when I think of that place existing. And then not long after, I heard a verse that I now think was Romans 8:6, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires."

I didn't really understand this at first, but then I realized that in order to find true joy, my desires had to line up with God's. For a long time I didn't think my desires did. I wanted a world where loyalty, love, and honesty reigned. A place of ethereal beauty that is not tangible on this Earth. But I thought this was all just my imagination...

My mind was set on the present, not on the future. Not on reality. My greatest desire isn't just in my mind though. It does exist beyond this life. One day I will be in Heaven and getting there is now my heart's greatest desire. I desire companionship still, but a companionship of complete honesty with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to just stand around all day singing and praising God. Enjoying the beauty of scenery and not worrying about how people treat me or who I can and can't trust. I don't want to have to worry so much about my own welfare, because I know without doubt that I will be safe in Heaven. Mark 12:25 even says that, "[the risen dead] will be like the angels in heaven." I won't be bound to this earthly body. I won't struggle with jealousy or any other humanly emotions or wants. I will be completely freed from temptation. And just the promise of that life... it makes me ecstatic!

But I will remain very aware of Matthew 7:21-23: "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"

Christianity is not a proclamation, and it is not attending church or telling people right from wrong. It's not just about being good or nice. It's about a relationship more personal than any other. It's about talking to God and more importantly, listening to Him. It's about reading the Bible while seeking truth. It's about living for a different place and trying to spread the joy you've found with others. A hard task when you're used to rejection and pain, but in the end - no one else's choice to reject joy can hamper my joy. Because I'll be there. I'll be in my Middle Earth. I'll be with my God. And I will be explicitly and unexplainably and unendingly happy.

This may sound like foolishness, but... "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because the are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14

Seek out God's will always.